Something That I'll Never Know
by Jubilation Bells
Summary: At the end of the series, Amy left Ricky and John to go to New York for school. This is the story about John and what it was like for him growing up in the wake of Amy's decision. John's perspective of his family and childhood.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: This story is John's perspective of what it was like growing up without Amy around, since he is the one who was affected by her decision.

Background: After the series finale, I did not think very highly of Amy at all. I was disgusted that Amy went through with her plan of leaving John behind and even more disgusted with Anne for supporting it. This story has been on my mind ever since the series finale. It finally came to life when Brenda Hampton released, what I could only hope was a joke, for how season 6 would have gone. I didn't care that Amy and Ricky didn't up together, he deserved better, but was upset that Amy and John didn't. This story reflects that and while there is no direct Amy bashing, it does not portray Amy in the most positive light. **If you are an Amy fan, or if you were happy about the way Amy and Ricky were left off at the end of the series, this may not be the story for you.**

Inspired by the song "Sentimental" by Nikko Lowe.

Disclaimer: I do not own Secret Life. There is only one original character in this story thus far. The rest are the product of Brenda Hampton.

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 _What would you do if I told you I loved you from that first smile on that very first day?_

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John Juergens always knew that his family was different. His parents were noticeably younger than the parents of his peers. He didn't have any brothers or sisters, although he did have an uncle that was younger than him. Robbie was the closest thing he had to a sibling, even though they barely saw each other much anymore. He had more grandmothers than anyone had ever heard of, six to be exact, as some of his grandmothers were married to other women. His father's parents did not look anything like him. He and his father had different last names. But most importantly, he was raised by his father alone without the help of another parental figure.

John always knew that his family was different. While different was never necessarily a bad thing, it did bring about a lot of questions in his young life. Questions that he was not mature enough to even understand. Questions that his father, Ricky, or any of the other adults in his life never seemed comfortable answering. For the most part, John had no choice but to accept the lack of answers. Hearing, 'you'll understand when you're older,' only made their answers vague enough to hold him over until the next question arose. But there was one question that he never could understand no matter how many times it was answered; why was his mother never around?

John could barely remember a time when his parents were together. He was only three years old when they split up. They got along okay the few times a year they saw each other, but it was clear there was more to the story than they were willing to tell him. Ricky still maintained a close relationship with his ex's father, Grandpa George, which made arrangements a little easier. Ricky never spoke negatively about his ex to anyone, although a part of John could tell that he wanted to. Whenever a particularly difficult subject regarding her would come up, Ricky would simply say they were "handling it" and would never elaborate further.

John's father was without a doubt his hero. He knew that he would always go to the ends of the earth for him. Ricky worked his way through high school and college in order to support himself and John. He began working at Boykewich Butcher Shop before John was born and was fortunate to have such a good relationship with his boss, Leo. When Ricky became a single father right after his first year of college, he picked up a second job waiting tables at Grandpa George's restaurant, Geoff's, to make up for the lost income, since he chose not to pursue child support. When it became clear that due to his demanding work schedules, Ricky was not going to graduate college in four years like he had hoped, Grandpa George had offered to help Ricky financially so he wouldn't have to work as many hours, but Ricky refused the help. Ricky was lucky that Leo offered him a job on the business end of the company once he graduated. Even though Ricky worked so much, John was still his first priority. He never missed an activity that he was involved in or a chance to support him. Any time John needed him, Ricky was there. Ricky made it his responsibility to make sure John never felt the absence of a parent present, like he did as a child.

Ricky was always honest with John when he told him how difficult it was to raise a child so young. He never made John feel like he wasn't wanted, but constantly emphasized the importance of getting an education before having children. Ricky had strict rules for John growing up and was determined to keep him on a path for success. John's many aunts and uncles used to laugh at his authoritative nature and would tell stories about how Ricky used to be such a "bad boy" in high school. John almost didn't believe them given how different his father was now. Ricky was not exactly open with John about his childhood, but John knew it was difficult for him. So while John did not always like how strict Ricky was, ultimately he knew that he had his best interests in mind.

John's mother, Amy, moved to New York when she and Ricky split up, where she attended college at Hudson University. According to her mother, Grandma Anne, ever since Amy was a little girl she dreamed of living in New York. John could respect her desire to pursue her dreams. Whenever he saw her, she repeatedly encouraged him to do the same and never give up on his own dreams. But what he could not understand was why she never wanted to take him with her; or if she did, why she didn't try harder. She came to visit him every Thanksgiving, Christmas, school break, and some random weekends here and there. Her parents sometimes took him to New York to see her, too. It was still hard for John when his mother was rarely present for the other events in his life, such as his birthdays, school events, and sick days. He appreciated his grandmothers for helping out when he needed that maternal figure, but it was never the same as having his own mother there.

Though John loved his mother very much, as he grew older, her absence started to weigh on him more and more. When she first moved to New York, she promised to see him "every chance she got." She also promised to move back home once she finished school. But then things kept happening that prevented her from keeping these promises. Summer school came up that prevented her from coming home for the summer. Spring breaks suddenly involved a vacation to Florida instead of a trip home. Homework and class projects arose that prevented her from leaving campus most weekends.

During her junior year of college, Amy started dating a guy named Kevin. Kevin was an intelligent young man who came from a wealthy family in New Jersey. He and Amy shared a mutual love of music and theater. After that, she came home even less than before. When she did come home, Kevin would usually come with her and John would have to spend time with both of them. Grandpa George made fun of Kevin a lot and thought Amy could do better. His wife, Grandma Kathleen, believed that Amy really liked him because he gave her whatever she wanted. Her daughter, Aunt Grace, saw the relationship as "very Amy." Ricky went out of his way not to meet him when they were in town.

While John was disappointed, he was not exactly surprised when Amy ultimately decided to stay in New York with Kevin instead of moving back home to California after school. It was toward the end of his first grade year when he flew to New York with his grandparents for Amy's graduation. During dinner the night of the ceremony, she and Kevin told both of their families their plan to find an apartment in Manhattan together. When John returned home from that trip, it was the first time in a long time that he remembered his parents fighting so badly in front of him. John was upset with his mother for breaking her promise, but Ricky was furious. According to Grandpa George, it was only the second time that they were not able to come to an agreement on their own without getting lawyers involved.

Kevin was nice to John and treated him well, but John did not like him. Kevin picked up on John's negative feelings towards him and in turn tried to buy his affection. But it didn't matter how nice Kevin was or how much stuff he bought him, John could never get over the fact that he took his mother away from him; that Amy picked Kevin over him. Ricky demonstrated deep concern whenever John expressed his dislike for Kevin fearing there was a more severe reason for it. So much so that it confused John. Ricky promised that if there was ever a time where Kevin wasn't nice or did anything to hurt John, he would make sure that he never had to see him again. John did not know exactly what Ricky meant by that, but was glad to know his father would support him no matter what.

The first time John really remembered feeling resentment for his mother stemmed from an innocent class project in third grade. The assignment was simply to research their name. When John asked Ricky where his name came from, he was a little disappointed to hear that his first name was chosen by his Aunt Ashley purely because it was simple. He wasn't too concerned with his middle name only being chosen because it "sounded good with John," but the reason behind his last name was a big letdown. His mother, aunt, and grandparents had decided it was best to give him their last name, Juergens. Because Amy and Ricky were so young and they were not married, and given Ricky's reputation at the time, they weren't sure how involved Ricky would be in John's life. Amy felt that it was important for her and John to have the same last name so it would be less confusing for John in the future in case Ricky was not present. John was disgusted with the irony. Amy feared that Ricky wouldn't be around when _she_ was the one who wasn't. Confused didn't even begin to describe how he felt. Ricky tried to explain that he was not very responsible when he was 16 and that it made sense at the time, but John not want to hear it. John, instead, created a different story behind his name referencing many famous Johns in history that he could have been named after.

A few weeks later, John asked Ricky if he could change his last name to Underwood to match his. He was surprised when Ricky said that it was not a good idea. John immediately rejected Ricky's reasoning of it being disrespectful to his mother. He was skeptical when Ricky told him that changing your name was not as simple of a procedure as it sounds. But he was finally silenced when Ricky explained that his own father, Bob Underwood, who John had never even heard of before, was a very bad man and that it was better if he had a different last name that him, even if that meant it would be different than Ricky's too. John knew that the real reason was another one of those things that he would "understand when he was older."

John's could never forget the moment that his resentment toward his mother turned into hurt. When he was ten years old, Amy and Kevin came home one weekend to tell him, Ricky, and the rest of her family that they were moving to Europe for a year. As usual, Grandpa George verbally disapproved of her decision and called her a bad mother (without using those words). Grandma Anne argued with him and agreed with Amy saying that she should continue to follow her dreams. For some reason, Amy yelled at both of them. Between all the yelling, Ricky sensed that John was upset and decided to take him home rather than sticking around to see how it turned out. No one noticed.

John spent that entire night crying, much to Ricky's concern. After several hours of tears, John finally explained that he was upset because it made him sad that he barely ever saw Amy in the first place; when he did, Kevin was always there too. But now she wanted to move even _further_ away from him. John felt as if she didn't even care about him or about his feelings since it seemed so easy for her to be away from him all the time. He didn't understand how none of these "dreams" that Grandma Anne kept talking about ever involved him. She told him he could come visit her in Europe, but John knew that probably would never happen. Ricky didn't even know what to say to make John feel better, because ultimately he agreed with him.

Nothing, however, compared to the moment when the hurt feelings John had toward his mother turned into anger...


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I apologize for the very VERY long delay in updating this story and greatly appreciate your patience! I changed my mind a few times about the direction I wanted this story to go. Thank you so much to everyone who liked, followed, or commented on this story. I appreciate all of your feedback, both positive and negative and I am overwhelmed by your kindness. I knew that not everyone would agree with me when it came to Amy in the finale, but I thought it was important for John's voice to be heard. That said, please remember to keep in mind that this story is about John. It will only include the characters from the original show that John would have grown up knowing.**

* * *

 _What would you say if I told you I just knew that somehow you changed me in some special way?_

* * *

Despite John's atypical family, he did have a very happy childhood. Ricky made sure of this. It came as a surprise to no one that he had quite a knack for music, given how his parents first met. He became a very talented saxophone player and used music as a way to express himself. People used to joke that he, Ricky, and Uncle Ethan should start a band of their own. He was also a decent baseball player and swimmer. Ricky made a point to attend every game, meet, and concert that he could. John had a lot of friends and was very outgoing.

Ricky never wanted John's family situation to get in the way of his development. He entered him in a support group for children of teen parents and another for children raised by single parents. Ricky and John maintained open communication and for the most part had a very close relationship. Whenever an event arose that Ricky could not attend or a mother's touch was needed, Ricky's mother, Grandma Nora, was always more than willing to step in. She said that it was to make up for not being around when Ricky was little.

Ricky always wanted his son to have the close family unit that he never did. Therefore, he made the best of what they had. It was Ricky's idea to hold family dinners every Sunday at his foster parents, Grandma Margaret and Grandpa Shakur's house. All of the family still living in Valley Glen or nearby would come; Grandpa George, Grandma Kathleen, Grandma Nora, and when she finally settled down, her wife, Grandma Ollie joined them too, and whichever aunts and uncles were in town at the time as most of them left home for college. It was the family's chance to catch up on what had been happening with one another all week.

It was when Amy would come back into town, this entire dynamic would be thrown into chaos. When John and Amy would hang out by themselves, everything was great. They would do fun activities and really have a chance to catch up with what was going on in the other one's life. When any other family members entered the picture, somehow an argument would always ensue. If not an argument, awkward tension undeniably filled the air. Sometimes the smallest of things could set it off. It wasn't so bad when it was just Amy and Ricky, they usually got along alright, but Amy and Grandpa George always ended up fighting.

When Kevin entered the picture, John and Amy's one-on-one time became very rare. Amy came to visit much less often and when she did, Kevin usually accompanied her wherever they went. As Amy and Kevin's relationship became more serious, John and Amy's relationship became more strained. The nicer Kevin was to John, the less John liked him. When Amy and Kevin decided to move to Europe, John started to distance himself from her mentally. He talked about her less and never got his hopes up anymore about seeing her. Once they left, she still called him fairly often, but given the time difference and John's busy schedule, they did not actually get to talk much. Ricky made John call her back and respond to her E-mails once he noticed them piling up.

Interestingly, John had a very different reaction when it came to his father's love life. He was nine when he started noticing Nicole hanging around a lot more. Nicole was a waitress who worked with Ricky at Geoff's when he was in college, so John had known her for a long time. She was also working her way through school and hoped to be a nurse one day. Ricky always referred to Nicole as a friend, but John had his suspicions that she was more than that. It was almost a year later when Ricky finally admitted that they were "seeing" each other. John felt bad when he found out that Ricky's reason for not wanting the relationship to be too serious was because John disliked Kevin so much. But with John's blessing, the relationship progressed, although still very slowly since Ricky still did not want to overwhelm John with it. Or himself if he was being honest.

Nobody was surprised when Kevin asked Amy to marry him while they were on a gondola in Italy. It was the picture perfect proposal so everyone was excited. Everyone, that is, except John. He was not exactly sure why people thought he would be or why they kept asking him about it. In his opinion, it was like they had already been married from the beginning. And no matter how long he knew him, Kevin was still somewhat of a stranger to John. John continued to feel hurt and resentment toward her since after the proposal, wedding stuff was all Amy ever wanted to talk about. Aunt Grace noted that this engagement was very different from all of Amy's other engagements since it would definitely work out this time. John did not know what she was talking about, nor did he want to.

Amy and Kevin got married the summer after John finished seventh grade. It was a huge ceremony in Central Park that Grandpa George declared so bluntly that he was glad he wasn't paying for. Ricky chose not to attend. He said he could not take the time off work but John knew that was not the reason. John traveled there with his grandparents like he always did. John didn't want to go either but he knew he did not have a choice; especially not after Kevin asked him to be his best man; a request that Ricky guilted John into accepting since it would make his mother happy. John was glad when the wedding was finally over because maybe then his mother could go back to talking about something else for a change. The first few years of their marriage were relatively the same as the rest of their relationship, in John's opinion.

Nothing could have prepared John for the moment when his hurt feelings toward his mother turned into anger. John had just started his freshman year at Grant High School and things were going great. John and Ricky had finally moved into a bigger place. And with John's permission, Nicole eventually moved in with them. Nicole never overstepped her boundaries or tried too hard the way Kevin still did. She was available when John needed her and was always very supportive, but left the parenting up to Ricky. John had a great audition for the marching band and was guaranteed a spot despite Ricky not allowing him to attend band camp over the summer. John got good grades in his classes and made friends easily. He even started dating a girl named Tara from his French class. Ricky did not hesitate at all to give John "the talk" as soon as he found out. John should not have been surprised given how young his parents were, but he still did not enjoy hearing about it.

Everything was going well for John, until he got a very excited phone call from his mother. Amy and Kevin got on the phone together to tell John that they were pregnant. John should have felt honored that he was the first person that they told, but he didn't. They then told him that they wanted him to come live with them in New York for a while so he could finally have a "normal" family with two parents and a little brother or sister. John hung up on them without answering their question. What exactly did she think a normal family was?

With this news, John continued to ignore Amy's phone calls. He ignored her long enough that she finally called Ricky to discuss her proposition for John. Of course Ricky did not agree with her either and was also upset that she would ask such a thing, but regardless, he congratulated her on her pregnancy and promised to talk to John about it. The only thing John said on the matter was that he was not leaving California and that having a sibling fifteen years younger than him with a different father barely counted as the big happy family that Amy seems to envision; especially when the family that had always been there for him was not going anywhere. Ricky agreed, and it was never brought up again.

Throughout the next several months, John and Amy barely spoke. At first she called often, but as time went on, the less he answered the less she called. When Amy and Kevin came into town for a few days over Christmas, since they stopped coming in for Thanksgiving several years prior, The situation was made even more awkward when Amy's friends and family members kept comparing this pregnancy to her last one and how much easier it must be this time around. If John had not already felt hurt by the news and her ask of him to join her "normal family", every comment made him feel that much worse. It had been a long time since his mother made him feel like he ruined her high school experience, but all of those feelings came right back. Even though Ricky assured him that that was simply not true, the more excitement surrounding this pregnancy, the harder it was to avoid. Of course John declined Amy's offer when she asked him again.

John's baby sister, Ella, was born in early May. If John was being perfectly honest, he did not really want to meet her, but he knew he didn't have a choice in the matter. As soon as school was out for the summer, he went to New York for a few days to spend time with his new "normal family". The house was covered in pink decorations and Kevin's family had all basically moved in to help them out. The spare room that John usually stayed in when he visited was now a nursery. Ella really didn't do much other than eat, sleep, and cry. He supposed she was cute, but Amy had really hoped that meeting her would convince John to stay in New York with them. John did not see it that way.

The only time that trip that John and Amy had a weekend alone was when she brought him to the airport. After much frustration, he finally asked her the question that he had been wanting to ask his whole life.

"Mom?" He finally said, "why did you want me to stay here?"

"Because I finally have the chance to give you the perfect family that I couldn't before."

"Why did you even keep me in the first place?"

"Why would you ask me that?" she asked very surprised.

"I just want to know," he said without looking at her, "what was the point?"

"Because I love you," she replied without hesitation.

"Then why did you move away?"

To this she did not have an answer quite as prepared. After she thought about it for a moment she finally told him what he believed to be the truth. "Because I felt like it was the best decision for me at the time. I had always dreamed of being in New York and I finally had an opportunity that I couldn't pass up. I would have been miserable if I stayed in California married to your father just because everyone wanted me to."

John hesitated. "I didn't say anything about Dad."

Amy didn't say anything, she just looked confused.

"Half of my friends' parents are divorced," John continued, 'I don't remember you guys being together; not really anyway. And I can't even picture you two together now. So I don't care that you left him. But what about me?" John asked not realizing that there were tears in his eyes at this point until Amy reached in to wipe one away, crying herself.

"I never want you to give up on your dreams," she whispered while hugging him, "and never let anyone tell you otherwise."

John knew he was never going to get the answer that he wanted out of her. With that, they said their goodbyes and she asked him one more time if he wanted to stay in New York with her and his new family. Once again, John declined.

John was quiet when he got back home. Quieter than usual. Ricky wanted to ask him what was wrong but had a feeling he already knew the answer and that John would talk to him about it eventually. And he did.

"Dad?" John finally said, "What's a normal family?"

"I don't think they exist," Ricky replied, "Family is who is there when you need them, not necessarily who you're related to. The rest doesn't matter. No family is normal"

"Dad," John said again, "thanks for always being there for me."

"You came into our lives at an unexpected time. You've always know that," Ricky told him, "You changed your mother's life in a way that she struggled with. But what you don't know is that you saved mine."

John always knew that his family was different. But he would not change that for the world.


End file.
